count down

Well the count down really has begun...we found out on Friday that Canaan is breech. The doctor said that we can try "version" where they try to move the baby from the outside. That is going to the hospital, getting an epidural and then two people pushing on your stomach to move him (sounds fun doesn't it). If that does not work they will end up doing a c-section. We are praying and hoping that he moves down by himself, but i have started researching ways to maybe help him. I am going to try and get to the chiropractor this week to see if I get adjusted if that will help him move. There is a technique call "webster's technique" that chiropractors can do just for breech babies, we are thinking about trying that too. I am not totally against a c-section I just feel like that is the only option the doctors are giving me and I feel like there are other things I can try first.

3 and a half weeks to go!!

baby shower

Last Saturday, Darby and Beck put on a wonderful baby shower for Josh and I. We ended up having around 100 people and we got A LOT of stuff. We are so thankful and blessed by everyone that came and showed us love as we go through this exciting time!

As you can see it was a truck theme!
We got many homemade gifts! I love them all!:)

All our goodies! It took just a little time putting it all away at home.We asked everyone instead of giving a card to give a book to start a collection for Canaan. We got a lot of good books! I can't wait to start reading to him.

canaan's room

So I have been working on Canaan's room for a couple weeks now. It has been a long process but I love how it turned out! I am now excited to get furniture in the room. Only 11 more weeks until he arrives!


Before




After

stocking up

Last year when I was pregnant with Calvin a girl at work gave me a coupon for diapers and wipes. When you used the coupon you pretty much got everything for free! So, I went a lot and stocked up. Here is a picture of my stock....

This year Giant Eagle was having a good deal on Seventh Generation diapers and wipesIt has been really fun stocking up on supplies. I think with all my wipes I will be good for at least a year!! People laugh at me for how much I have but I know that I am going to use it so why not!!

8 months

I cannot believe that today is 8 months since Calvin's homegoing. As I was sitting at work today missing my sweet boy, I was getting kicked by our little man Canaan. I was overjoyed thinking about seeing him in 16 weeks. Although I will always miss Calvin and how he has forever changed our lives, I can't help but thank the Lord for the trial that He brought Josh and I through over the past year. What a joy it has been learning to trust in Him and not ourselves. Knowing that He is in control of our lives and thanking him for giving us a healthy baby boy so far in the womb. What would life have been if I didn't know the Lord and was able to know and trust that Calvin is in a better place, perfect and with our Heavenly Father. I will never forget Job 1:21 The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

I am so thankful for this pregnancy and I know it will never replace Calvin, but it helps knowing that I will be able to hold and take care of a baby. That I will be able to do the things that other mothers do with their children and that I will be able to stay home and raise Canaan. God sure has blessed us more then we deserve and could thank Him for..

mothers day

mother's day...never thought i would have struggled so much. i miss calvin more then ever but i was just trying to think of today as just another day. then it hit me, i know that i am a mommy but it is hard to feel like it when you don't have a child to hold. i am so thankful that God blessed us with the 9 months with our sweet boy and now He has blessed us with the pregnancy of canaan. i don't thank Him enough for all the good things He has given us.

6 months

Here is what my husband had to say about hitting 6 months of Calvin's homegoing...

6 months. Six long – yet short, sad – but happy months. Roughly 180 days since our lives were forever changed. How can I measure the change that six months have brought? How can I communicate all that I have seen and experienced? How can I quantify the love that has been shown to us; from our Heavenly Father and through our friends and family? Ultimately, I can’t. But I shall try nonetheless.

It is hard to believe that it has been six months since our sweet Calvin has gone home to be with the Lord. Hard to believe the change in our lives as a result of this experience. It is hard to believe that life does indeed go on, the sun keeps on rising and ultimately Kim & I are still safe in the arms of God.

Six months seems like a bigger deal than I feel it to be. Truth be told, I tend to only think about my son Calvin once or twice a day now. Certainly, not near the frequency with which he once occupied my mind. This is a bittersweet thought. On one hand, I am glad that Kim and have been able to adjust to life and whatever our new normal has become, but I am also sad that I don’t think about him as much as I once did – sad and perhaps a little guilty too. It’s almost as if, if I don’t think about him he’s not here.

I have come to the realization that Calvin’s life and death have not fully hit me yet. Knowing, that as we prepare to bring Calvin’s little brother or sister into this world that my fatherly feelings will find their place. They say a mom becomes a mom when she feels her baby kick. A dad becomes a dad when he holds his baby in his arms. I held Calvin in my arms, but he wasn’t all there. I held his body, but I have not yet gotten the honor of feeling his presence. Ultimately, I feel like I have not yet experienced “fatherhood,” and when I do, I know that I will come to realize what we have lost.

I have learned a lot about life in these past months. Life is not going to turn out like you expect it to. But through pain and sadness can come joy and thankfulness. Through the hardest hour of my life can come a better relationship with my wife. Learning to rely on the Lord for strength, produces less dependency on myself and my wicked ways.

In many ways I miss the extremely close comfort of God that was so clear and evident those first few days and weeks. The communion was so tangible, the prayers so real and the tears ever flowing. But now, routine has set in and self-reliance as well. I struggle to get back to that close communion with my God and Father, but am so thankful that I was able to experience that peace. The Lord has sustained us and continues to do so.

Six weeks ago we found out that we were pregnant and what a joyous time it has been since. How thankful we are to God for His lovingkindness.

What can six months do for a person after such an event? Six months can provide abounding hope. Hope in the next little one who is due on October 1^st, (2 weeks before Calvin’s birthday). Hope in Christ’s return to this earth. Hope in seeing my son one day. Hope in loving others with the Gospel of Jesus Christ that makes all of this other hope possible.