6 months

Here is what my husband had to say about hitting 6 months of Calvin's homegoing...

6 months. Six long – yet short, sad – but happy months. Roughly 180 days since our lives were forever changed. How can I measure the change that six months have brought? How can I communicate all that I have seen and experienced? How can I quantify the love that has been shown to us; from our Heavenly Father and through our friends and family? Ultimately, I can’t. But I shall try nonetheless.

It is hard to believe that it has been six months since our sweet Calvin has gone home to be with the Lord. Hard to believe the change in our lives as a result of this experience. It is hard to believe that life does indeed go on, the sun keeps on rising and ultimately Kim & I are still safe in the arms of God.

Six months seems like a bigger deal than I feel it to be. Truth be told, I tend to only think about my son Calvin once or twice a day now. Certainly, not near the frequency with which he once occupied my mind. This is a bittersweet thought. On one hand, I am glad that Kim and have been able to adjust to life and whatever our new normal has become, but I am also sad that I don’t think about him as much as I once did – sad and perhaps a little guilty too. It’s almost as if, if I don’t think about him he’s not here.

I have come to the realization that Calvin’s life and death have not fully hit me yet. Knowing, that as we prepare to bring Calvin’s little brother or sister into this world that my fatherly feelings will find their place. They say a mom becomes a mom when she feels her baby kick. A dad becomes a dad when he holds his baby in his arms. I held Calvin in my arms, but he wasn’t all there. I held his body, but I have not yet gotten the honor of feeling his presence. Ultimately, I feel like I have not yet experienced “fatherhood,” and when I do, I know that I will come to realize what we have lost.

I have learned a lot about life in these past months. Life is not going to turn out like you expect it to. But through pain and sadness can come joy and thankfulness. Through the hardest hour of my life can come a better relationship with my wife. Learning to rely on the Lord for strength, produces less dependency on myself and my wicked ways.

In many ways I miss the extremely close comfort of God that was so clear and evident those first few days and weeks. The communion was so tangible, the prayers so real and the tears ever flowing. But now, routine has set in and self-reliance as well. I struggle to get back to that close communion with my God and Father, but am so thankful that I was able to experience that peace. The Lord has sustained us and continues to do so.

Six weeks ago we found out that we were pregnant and what a joyous time it has been since. How thankful we are to God for His lovingkindness.

What can six months do for a person after such an event? Six months can provide abounding hope. Hope in the next little one who is due on October 1^st, (2 weeks before Calvin’s birthday). Hope in Christ’s return to this earth. Hope in seeing my son one day. Hope in loving others with the Gospel of Jesus Christ that makes all of this other hope possible.