8 months

I cannot believe that today is 8 months since Calvin's homegoing. As I was sitting at work today missing my sweet boy, I was getting kicked by our little man Canaan. I was overjoyed thinking about seeing him in 16 weeks. Although I will always miss Calvin and how he has forever changed our lives, I can't help but thank the Lord for the trial that He brought Josh and I through over the past year. What a joy it has been learning to trust in Him and not ourselves. Knowing that He is in control of our lives and thanking him for giving us a healthy baby boy so far in the womb. What would life have been if I didn't know the Lord and was able to know and trust that Calvin is in a better place, perfect and with our Heavenly Father. I will never forget Job 1:21 The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

I am so thankful for this pregnancy and I know it will never replace Calvin, but it helps knowing that I will be able to hold and take care of a baby. That I will be able to do the things that other mothers do with their children and that I will be able to stay home and raise Canaan. God sure has blessed us more then we deserve and could thank Him for..

mothers day

mother's day...never thought i would have struggled so much. i miss calvin more then ever but i was just trying to think of today as just another day. then it hit me, i know that i am a mommy but it is hard to feel like it when you don't have a child to hold. i am so thankful that God blessed us with the 9 months with our sweet boy and now He has blessed us with the pregnancy of canaan. i don't thank Him enough for all the good things He has given us.

6 months

Here is what my husband had to say about hitting 6 months of Calvin's homegoing...

6 months. Six long – yet short, sad – but happy months. Roughly 180 days since our lives were forever changed. How can I measure the change that six months have brought? How can I communicate all that I have seen and experienced? How can I quantify the love that has been shown to us; from our Heavenly Father and through our friends and family? Ultimately, I can’t. But I shall try nonetheless.

It is hard to believe that it has been six months since our sweet Calvin has gone home to be with the Lord. Hard to believe the change in our lives as a result of this experience. It is hard to believe that life does indeed go on, the sun keeps on rising and ultimately Kim & I are still safe in the arms of God.

Six months seems like a bigger deal than I feel it to be. Truth be told, I tend to only think about my son Calvin once or twice a day now. Certainly, not near the frequency with which he once occupied my mind. This is a bittersweet thought. On one hand, I am glad that Kim and have been able to adjust to life and whatever our new normal has become, but I am also sad that I don’t think about him as much as I once did – sad and perhaps a little guilty too. It’s almost as if, if I don’t think about him he’s not here.

I have come to the realization that Calvin’s life and death have not fully hit me yet. Knowing, that as we prepare to bring Calvin’s little brother or sister into this world that my fatherly feelings will find their place. They say a mom becomes a mom when she feels her baby kick. A dad becomes a dad when he holds his baby in his arms. I held Calvin in my arms, but he wasn’t all there. I held his body, but I have not yet gotten the honor of feeling his presence. Ultimately, I feel like I have not yet experienced “fatherhood,” and when I do, I know that I will come to realize what we have lost.

I have learned a lot about life in these past months. Life is not going to turn out like you expect it to. But through pain and sadness can come joy and thankfulness. Through the hardest hour of my life can come a better relationship with my wife. Learning to rely on the Lord for strength, produces less dependency on myself and my wicked ways.

In many ways I miss the extremely close comfort of God that was so clear and evident those first few days and weeks. The communion was so tangible, the prayers so real and the tears ever flowing. But now, routine has set in and self-reliance as well. I struggle to get back to that close communion with my God and Father, but am so thankful that I was able to experience that peace. The Lord has sustained us and continues to do so.

Six weeks ago we found out that we were pregnant and what a joyous time it has been since. How thankful we are to God for His lovingkindness.

What can six months do for a person after such an event? Six months can provide abounding hope. Hope in the next little one who is due on October 1^st, (2 weeks before Calvin’s birthday). Hope in Christ’s return to this earth. Hope in seeing my son one day. Hope in loving others with the Gospel of Jesus Christ that makes all of this other hope possible.

time is flying by

As 3 months has passed since Calvin's home going, I cannot believe how fast time is going. Hitting 3 months was pretty hard on me. It really was the hardest month yet, as crazy as that might sound. I'm struggling that I'm not pregnant yet. I have to keep reminding myself that it is not my timing but God's timing alone. Josh and I now have another new family verse Phil 4:6 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God."

As more people seem to become pregnant, I truly am happy for them but long for the day that i can be pregnant again. I am thankful for the time that we had with Calvin they truly were a great 42 weeks. It is great to know that he is in heaven safe with God but my selfishness keeps getting the best of me wishing that I had him in my arms now. What a great God we serve! I would not be able to get through each day without Him giving me the strength. He will get me through this trial as I continue to lean on Him.

I am so thankful for all of our family and friends around us. The continual prayers and encouragement that we receive. I am so thankful that God put all these people in our life. I have so much to be thankful for and continue to fight my selfish thoughts daily. This is God's plan better then my own, He is molding me to who He wants me to be! Isaiah 64:8 But now, O LORD, you are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; And all we are the work of Your hand.

2 months

As today hits the 2 month mark of Calvin's homegoing I cannot believe how fast it has gone. I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning just wishing that he was here with us, but trying to remember that he is so much better off in heaven. I thank God for the strength He has given me to get through each day.

Today i was listening to a cd that my friend gave me when we first found out about Calvin having T18. What an encouraging cd that reminds me that God's is in control and He is faithful. I want to share some of the lyrics of my favorite song on the cd. We listened to the song before and after Calvin was born. It will always remind me of our sweet Calvin and our time in the hospital....

FAITHFUL GOD

Faithful God, ever true
You are the One that we lean upon
Faithful God, Lord it’s you
You are the One that we look upon
Everyday Lord Your mercies are new
Everyday Lord we are trusting in You

Faithful God, You stay the same
You will not change
Your promise is true
Faithful God, we lift up one voice
We’ve made a choice and we put our trust in You
Faithful God; Yeah faithful God

Faithful God, ever true
You are the One that we lean upon
Faithful God, Lord it’s you
You are the One that we look upon
Everyday Lord Your mercies are new
Everyday Lord we are trusting in You

Faithful God, You stay the same
You will not change
Your promise is true
Faithful God, we lift up one voice
We’ve made a choice and we put our trust in You
Oh faithful God; Oh faithful God

Everyday Lord Your mercies are new
Everyday Lord we are trusting in You

Faithful God, You stay the same
You will not change
Your promise is true
Faithful God, we lift up one voice
We’ve made a choice and we put our trust in You

Oh we put our trust in You
Yes we put our trust in You

song

My brother-in-law Andrew sent me this song by the band Fee. I fell in love with it after crying while I was listening to it and now I cannot stop listening!

Arms that Hold

I know it seems that this could be
The darkest day you’ve known
But believe you me the God of strength
Will never let you go
He will overcome I know

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It’s gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers
Toils and snares You have already come
His grace has brought you save this far
And His grace will lead you home

You can hope
You can rise
You can stand
He’s still got the whole world in His hands

It is so comforting to know that the Lord is holding me in His arms. That He is giving me strength to get through the day. What a great God we serve!

life goes on....

As we are coming closer to the 15th I cannot believe that it has been a month that Calvin has been gone. It is sad that life has to move on. I really miss my little boy. Our friends just had a miscarriage last week and when I found out I was heartbroken and as I continued to think and pray for them I had the thought that their little one got to meet Calvin and that put a smile on my face, and I was a little jealous. I'm not saying that losing a child is easy but it gives you comfort knowing that they are with the Lord.

I can't stop thinking what life would be like if we still had Calvin. What would I be doing everyday? It is just hard seeing that Josh is back to work and I will be back at work soon. It's hard knowing that life has to move on. I pray that God will bless us with another child but it just won't be my Calvin. I am forever changed.

I have been getting pictures together for my scrapbook and I tell Josh every time I look at them that I just want to pinch his cheeks. I miss that feeling of him in my arms. I almost forget what it feels like holding him and I don't like that. It is a good feeling though that God is wrapping His arms around me each and every day that i am down. What great joy that we are able to lean on Him during these difficult times.