song

My brother-in-law Andrew sent me this song by the band Fee. I fell in love with it after crying while I was listening to it and now I cannot stop listening!

Arms that Hold

I know it seems that this could be
The darkest day you’ve known
But believe you me the God of strength
Will never let you go
He will overcome I know

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It’s gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers
Toils and snares You have already come
His grace has brought you save this far
And His grace will lead you home

You can hope
You can rise
You can stand
He’s still got the whole world in His hands

It is so comforting to know that the Lord is holding me in His arms. That He is giving me strength to get through the day. What a great God we serve!

life goes on....

As we are coming closer to the 15th I cannot believe that it has been a month that Calvin has been gone. It is sad that life has to move on. I really miss my little boy. Our friends just had a miscarriage last week and when I found out I was heartbroken and as I continued to think and pray for them I had the thought that their little one got to meet Calvin and that put a smile on my face, and I was a little jealous. I'm not saying that losing a child is easy but it gives you comfort knowing that they are with the Lord.

I can't stop thinking what life would be like if we still had Calvin. What would I be doing everyday? It is just hard seeing that Josh is back to work and I will be back at work soon. It's hard knowing that life has to move on. I pray that God will bless us with another child but it just won't be my Calvin. I am forever changed.

I have been getting pictures together for my scrapbook and I tell Josh every time I look at them that I just want to pinch his cheeks. I miss that feeling of him in my arms. I almost forget what it feels like holding him and I don't like that. It is a good feeling though that God is wrapping His arms around me each and every day that i am down. What great joy that we are able to lean on Him during these difficult times.

new life

Calvin Matthew was born into glory on October 15, 2009 at 6:52 am. He weighed 5 lbs 11 oz and was 19 in. What a blessing our sweet boy is.



My life will never be the same. I knew that in May when we found out Calvin had Trisomy 18 but now i am realizing it more and more. How wonderful it is to know that calvin is safe in the arms of God right now. My selfishness just wants him in my arms. it was so hard coming home without him on Thursday night. As i was trying to sleep i would close my eyes and just see Calvin laying in the bassinet at the hospital with the most peaceful face--if he could have talked to me i think he would have said "mommy I'm safe with God forever." It is so great to know that we can put all our trust in the Lord and He will get us through the day and days to come.

When we came home on Thursday Josh just kept repeating to me Psalm 37:7 "Be Still and know that I am God." What a wonderful truth that really is.

thoughts

40 weeks


As I sit here this morning and just think back on my pregnancy I get overwhelmed. What a blessing God has given Josh and I that we would be able to carry our sweet Calvin for over 40 weeks now. It is hard to think that at any moment our sweet son could be gone, but I continue to think of Prov 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. It is a wonderful thought that Calvin will be safe in the arms of God and we can definitely trust in that.

I just finish reading a book by John MacArthur called “Safe in the arms of God.” As I was reading the book I found a few quotes that have really encouraged me, here are is one of them
“The decision about whether a baby lives or dies is God’s decision. He allows conception. He allows birth. He also allows death at birth. He allows what is in keeping with His purposes. No death or life occurs apart from the purposes of God.
God is actively involved in every feature of every life, including whether a child is born or dies in the womb, and whether a child lives past birth or dies at birth.”

Calvin having trisomy 18 was God’s plan and we may never understand why he chose him, but we can trust in his plan and know that Calvin will have a much better life in heaven then he ever could here on earth. “Your child who has died did not lose his life, but rather, your child has gained eternal life.”

pictures

so we had some belly pictures taken a couple weeks ago and chirstina posted some of them on her blog yesterday!! they turned out great and we are so happy to have pictures to cherish forever.

http://gracedesignsphotography.blogspot.com

long needed update

i haven't been very good at updating, it has been hard to think about doing it. we got the results of the amnio which came back positive. we were expecting that so from then on we have taken each day that goes by as a blessing that God has given us this pregnancy. we find joy in every kick that we feel and i'm so thankful that josh has been able to feel him many times! i'm not going to lie and say that every day since then has been good--we take it day by day thanking God for that day and also sharing some (well a lot) of tears. i often think God does not give us more then we can handle and i'm amazed at the strength He has given josh and i during this time. what an amazing God we serve!

tests

12 weeks21 weeks

i finally got a couple pictures up. as you all know at our 20 week ultrasound we found out that calvin has a cleft lip and they were sending us to a specialist. when we met with the specialist he found some other things that weren't the best. he said that calvin may have trisomy 18. the doctor said that with trisomy it is fatel--that was really hard to hear. he gave us the option of doing and amniocentesis which we did end up doing yesterday. with the amnio it will tell us if calvin has trisomy for sure and if he doesn't then it will help us know what is best for him during delivery etc with his heart problem.

we have been so encouraged by everyone's cards, emails, calls and text messages during this time. we are so blessed to have such wonderful family, friends, and church family around us giving us support during this difficult time. please continue to pray for our little calvin as we are waiting for the results, and for josh and i to just trust in the Lord and His plan for our family.